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Your One stop Agony Aunts and Uncles

Your Aunts and Uncle
Hannah [Lleucu]
Natalie [Word_waterfall]
Carys [Shorty_90]
Rhodri [GoldenMessiah]

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Leave your question in a comment, with who you would like to Ask in the subject, or if you would like to ask all 4, just put 'Ask_the_welsh'
Who are we?

We are your answer to everything, Asks us anything, We are your Welsh agony aunts and Uncle!
Warnings

Ask_the_welsh cannot be held responsible for the loss of confidence and/or will to live.
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Brushes credit to Silencehurts.org
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[18 Jun 2006|07:33pm]

word_waterfall
Subolesco; a post-hogwarts roleplayCollapse )
1 comment|post comment

[20 May 2006|11:10pm]

shorty_90
Dear ATW,

Recently, I have fallen for one of my best friends. I am a girl and he is a guy, but there is a problem: He is ginger. I don't know why I'm feeling the way I am. I mean he's an alright guy but HE IS GINGER. My friend said if we go out and get married and have ginger babies then she won't talk to us anymore.

Also, my other friend said you can catch gingerness from ginger people, and I'm worried - is this true? I don't really want to be ginger.

Please help me!!!



Ginger people, eh?

Now this is a problem. I mean if you do end up marrying this ginger (God forbid) you can always try and convince him to dye his hair a different, normal colour. Like brown. Unless he is one of those Proud Gingers. In which case you're screwed.

And as for catching gingerness from others?

Well...

...I don't think I'm ready to talk about it just yet... *bites finger, sniffs back the tears*

Anyway, let's hope the Ginger turns out infertile or gay or impotent or to be a eunuch.

Yours helpfully,
Carys :D
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[12 Mar 2006|10:31pm]

word_waterfall
We are in a computer lesson, and my friend has just started touching me up. We're both guys! What should I do? I think I'm getting an errection.

I would be more worried that your friend knows how and where to touch you up, since most boys couldn't find a G-spot on a woman even if it danced in front of them anked wearing coconuts- I doubt many can find any male joy departments that are not their own. An Erection Possibly means you are enjoying yourself.

Have you even had an erection before? Maybe you've just got a banana in your pocket, and he is mistaking it for your joystick. If so, then use this situation to your advantage. You know his secret. I'm sure he would give anything for the whole class not to find out...Imagene the things you can get! Esp. if he is much more good looking than you, he can hook you up with a reasonably good looking girl/goldfish/dicktomharry whatsit.

Hmm...If he is less attractive than you, you've probably been giving out signals. Or he is ginger. If so thaen swat his hand away, or possibly staple it to his leg. Or you could go all Final Destination and kill him in a way that defies the laws of gravity.

That's always fun.

Much Love,
Natalie xox
7 comments|post comment

[05 Jan 2006|05:58pm]

word_waterfall
I have a serious problem. Recently my twin sister has been dating a really lush guy, with black hair that hangs over his eyes. He gives me butterflies but I know I can't do anything about it, because my sister is in love with him. See now that's not the problem though. The other day whilst my sister was in the shower, I went into my brothers room to get my CD back that he borrowed, and caught him kissing Mr Lush hair! What should I do? Should I tell my sister and risk never seeing him again, or should I get with him too so that we're all cheating on each other?

*Sigh* The guy is guy. With your brother. I HOPE THAT CD WAS WORTH IT!

Well, Are you going to suffer knowing you have the one piece of information that could destroy your sister?
Depends, are you tired of being a double-individual? Tired enough to break her spirit. I dunno, You should wait until shes really famous and rich.

You should have spotted it really, A boy with lush hair? A BOY with LUSH HAIR?! How could you not tell? Boys are usually festering with enough grease to drown Mcdonalds! And peanuts- Puppys tails...How does that old tale go?

The fact that he gives you butterflies is scary. Boys who give girls bugs are not only weird, But scary. Did he catch them first!? Put them in a box!? This happened on smallville once....Oh...You mean butterflies INSIDE?! One lesson here. DON'T.EAT.BUGS.

So, She's in love with a gay guy....There is no hope for your sister. She will forever pine and suffer. For ever.

Yet, For you, My poorly aquainted friend, There is still hope.

Lesson one- Don't borrow CDS of your brother.
Two- Tell your mother your brother is gay. DeStRoY his life, and steal his CD collection.
Three- Listen to your hearts content.
Four- Don't eat bugs.
Five- Wel...I can't think of anything else.

Natalie, Xox
6 comments|post comment

[29 Dec 2005|07:52pm]

word_waterfall
I am Deathly Afraid of Christmas Tres.

SO YOU SHOULD BE! How can anything Green and Pointy be good?!

Anything that has 'needles' on it's branches sounds nasty, and hurts when you step on them. And how come every year someone always manages to knock the christmas tree over!? Succeeding, only in spreading little sharp needles of DEATH.

Do you know what Green is the colour of?! All things Bad. For example- Jelousy, When has that ever been good?! The green Rowntrees pastel that tastes Yucky! THE SACRED BREATH-GIVERS OF LIFE [Tree]s- THAT YOU ALWAYS MANAGE TO FALL INTO AND GET PWNED[You know! The pointy bushes!]! -_-

How about the plants that entice you to them with yummy looking fruit and then make you bleed to death when you pick them- Or the tress that have berries only the birds can eat!?

You should be so scared, Christmas trees were created by Germans.

A german lord walked in his forest, and was outraged to find a group of pagens worshipping an oak tree! [GOD FORBID THE OAK TREE!] He was so angry he ordered the tree to be cut down. [Oh, Feel the wrath!] and was amazed when a pine tree sprung in it's place. Apparently this showed the faiths triumph over something, and it became a symbol.

That is not a heartwarming story. That is a crap story.

So, Fear the trees. They will catch you in the night and will turn you into a needle-infested...sharp...thing.

Much love, Natalie.
2 comments|post comment

[29 Dec 2005|06:38pm]

word_waterfall
Although I am a 35 year old man, tall, good looking and wealthy I have several bad habits (I pick my nose in public, rarely wash and have appalling table manners) so as a result I have had no sexual experience whatsoever. What should I do?

You see, this is a common Problem, Not only do People Have terrible habits that are disgusting- It has become proper that you have them to fit into society. The human race doesn’t accept anything that is perfect, and any view of perfect is often misguided. You see, The Matrix is a perfect example of this, The Architect says- and I quote-

'The first Matrix I designed was quite naturally perfect, it was a work of art - flawless, sublime. A triumph equalled only by its monumental failure. The inevitability of its doom is apparent to me now as a consequence of the imperfection inherent in every human being. Thus, I redesigned it based on your history to more accurately reflect the varying grotesqueries of your nature. However, I was again frustrated by failure. I have since come to understand that the answer eluded me because it required a lesser mind, or perhaps a mind less bound by the parameters of perfection'

Basically, we are all Monsters, So- although many would call you disgusting. I call you human.

But don’t take that as a compliment.

The fact that you count your dirty habits is a bit disconcerting.

It also suggests that maybe you are a bit vain, and the above writings will only succeed in inflating your ego to Daniel Clement sizes.

I would dislike that very much, and I would have to destroy the Warehouse you buy to hold the huge inflated ego.

Maybe you're better off single actually.

You could become a bit of a whore.

Tell you what, Buy a bungalow, Take up cross-stitch, Lock the door, Communicate only using the internet, Swallow the sets of keys.

You.Will.Never.Take.over.

You sad git.

Much Love, Natalie. [Who firmly believes everyone is trying to take over]
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[09 Nov 2005|06:03pm]

shorty_90
My boyfriend wants to screw my friends. I have been with the same guy for 8 years and sex used to be great. Now he would rather jack off then have sex. He always has fantasies about screwing all of my friends. I try not to let it bother me but I just can't get over it.

(Jesus, I always get the ones about sex, don't I? I don't know why, though, it's not like I have any first-hand experience)

Ahem.

He sounds like a bit of an idiot to me, honestly. Let's face it, if he wanted to screw you, he'd do it, but he doesn't want to. So ask him about it, or finish with him.

Do you really want to be with him if he wants to screw everyone in the WORLD except you?

Mm. No. Thought as much.
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[14 Oct 2005|07:42pm]

lleucu

Although I am a 35 year old man, tall, good looking and wealthy I have several bad habits (I pick my nose in public, rarely wash and have appalling table manners) so as a result I have had no sexual experience whatsoever. What should I do?

Take a shower and also one word for you.... Prostitutes, go get your self some experience.

Prostitutes come in a wide range of colours and sizes (male or female). Available in all bad neighbourhoods.

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[13 Oct 2005|09:40pm]

lleucu
[ mood | crazy ]

I'm failing maths. Everytime the teacher starts talking, everything just kinda zones out and I start having sexual fantasies about my uncle Albert. Is this normal?

Of course it's normal to fail maths. All maths teachers are soulless robots, go on try and offer one of them some food see what happens, they'll refuse. They don't have souls because if you've notice Maths sucks the soul out of you, and that's the only way they can stand teaching it. Ok fantasies about your uncle albert aren't normal, no way could a guy called Albert be hot. Maybe if he was uncle Tom, uncle Brad, uncle Billie, you know a hot name. So my advice to you is:

1) Wear a tinfoil hat to all your future maths lessons for amusment and protection

2) Make up your own maths, lets face it, it will make more sense

3)Find someone hotter to fantasise about, just go look in Kerrangs "Hot List" or somethign or even a gay porno mag, just stop it with the Albert thing for gods sake!

 

4 comments|post comment

[13 Oct 2005|09:39pm]

word_waterfall
I shaved all my arm hair off.

Lizzie


You twat, you complete and utter nutter, head case. What on earth prosessed you?! HUH?!

They will grow back spiky and black.

Go live in the forest.

Much Love,
Natalie
1 comment|post comment

[12 Oct 2005|10:22pm]

shorty_90
[ mood | bouncy ]

I think my boyfriend's secretly gay. Whenever he's around his bestfriend, they're always kissing each other passionatly and feeling inside each other's crotches. I've asked him about it, but he says that they're just messing about, and that he really loves me. He even screams his name when we have rough sex. It wouldn't bother me so much if he chose not to do it outside the nunery, since my family is Christian, but my head is begging to throb from all the rocks being thrown at me. How do you think I should handle it? Are threesomes in order?

I too think your boyfriend is secretly gay. I mean, come on! Feeling up his best friend!? He's gay and he knows it, baby. I suggest you get out of that dead-end relationship ASAP and get a reality check.

Although, never EVER say no to a threesome. Enjoy yourself first, ditch him after.

2 comments|post comment

[12 Oct 2005|08:41pm]

word_waterfall
All my friends are gay. The boys and the girls. I feel left out and uncool because I'm only bi. They all make fun of me for it, then hold fantastic girl on girl/boy on boy orgies without me. Should I just turn Lesbian, or stick to being 'greedy', as they all say?

Greed is a sin…Did you know that? I didn’t.

Well, I can’t see being BI being bad for you. It has no calories, no psycho issues, its just plan great-

Well, if those selfish Bastards won’t let you join in, start a cult, and start to live on the streets carrying signs and giving out leaflets.

You can hold your own orgies…

People like that.

Stick to having the best-of-both-worlds/Blow-your-mind-sex.

After all, who wouldn’t ask for that?

Should I find it disturbing that Microsoft word has Orgie in its spell checker?
Much Love,
Natalie
1 comment|post comment

[12 Oct 2005|08:36pm]

word_waterfall
I'm failing maths. Everytime the teacher starts talking, everything just kinda zones out and I start having sexual fantasies about my uncle Albert. Is this normal?

Ew. Maths. That is so wrong.

But Uncle Albert has lots of money, Enjoy it ;)

Much Love,
Natalie.
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[12 Oct 2005|08:35pm]

word_waterfall
My girlfriend has said that she wants to give me a blow job! Only, I've never had one before, but I hear they're great. I'm just afraid that I might inflate to the size of a hot air balloon, lose my sexiness, and float off into space. What should I do if this happens?

Dude, looks like the four horsemen of the apocalypse are coming and they are not bringing flowers!

Buy pins, many pins- or dump your girlfriend and become a monk. We all know they have secret wank sessions anyway, because there is no way that man can go their whole lives not having sex. We live in a modern society which revolves around sex. And hey- Oral is one of the best things.

If you don’t believe in oral sex: Keep your mouth shut.

And if you float away into the sky, you should tell your girlfriend that she is very sad for making out with balloon animals, and that she should stop ASAP.

If you are not a balloon animal and you really are a boy-

I think Hot air balloons are quite Sexy. Really.

Big….Red….Floaty…WICKER BASKET!

Ahem.

A blowjob will give you insane pleasure, and to tell the truth the only bad symptom is the possibility of making someone choke.

So learn how to do the Heimlich manoeuvre from the front.

Much Love,
Natalie.
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[12 Oct 2005|08:27pm]

word_waterfall
I think I'm pregnant!!! I've gained loads of weight, I'm puking every morning, and I don't have a period!! But I'm also a virgin. What does this mean?

Hmm, this is a hard one- Almost as hard as…We won’t go into details. Anyway.

Is your name Mary? Because if it is, you are in for one hell of a ride. You will have a book of doomy lies written about your baby, and will have statues of you carved out of soap, and every time it rains, people will think you are crying, and fall down chanting your name- and when you are dead, I can imagine this will be quite annoying.

On the other hand you could just be a fat, greedy bitch. End of. Get on a diet, and beg the slugs for mercy before they carry you off to a realm of doom that we mere mortals cannot see or comprehend. Rather like the 7th circle of hell, but not the 7th circle of hell, and a square.

Much Love,
Natalie
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[12 Oct 2005|05:55pm]

word_waterfall
I SWEAR that there is a guy following me around everywhere! Wherever I go he's always there! I reckon he likes me, but my mom says I should stay away from him and he'll leave me alone. But it's nice having someone follow me all the time, and I think he's cute, even though I haven't seen his face, but that doesn't really matter. How should I approach him?

Pippy, 13


Run up to him, grab him by the balls, and take a picture, if that doesn't grab his attention, I'm not sure what will. Apart from you buying a gun and holding him at gunpoint demanding that he go on a date with you, if you're the forceful type.

My hypothesis is if he is stalking you, he probably dreams of you naked [If he has seen you naked- Thought of modelling through your window?] And wishes he could touch your bare flesh [and your bodies entwining, defenseless and silent...] and possibly do more- So it would be very unlikely that he would turn down the offer.

And well- Maybe, the reason he's stalking, that he is an internet geek, and you need to teach him the ways of the outside, and that life doesn't revolve around the fact that he might have arthritis due to his constant typing. Much like I.

But, I must say- if he pulls off his head, and becomes:

A) A 40 year old man
B) A giant fire breathing ant
C) Peter Andre
D) A woman [Unless you like it like that]

I recommend you run.

Run for your life.

Then buy a computer and download a life- [I think that is where you get them] If you are not sure, ask the geek for the address before he has time to pull of the mask.

If you are murdered by the time I post this. I am sorry, but there is nothing much I can do for your broken internal organs.

Much Love-
Natalie
4 comments|post comment

[11 Oct 2005|07:14pm]

word_waterfall
I'm in love with someone I shouldn't be in love with, What can I do? Should I forget...or what?

Well, First off- Lets rule out rape. Although it seems a fabulous idea, because being able to touch e.t.c. The screaming is a down point because it may attract attention, I'm also ruling out drugs and all, because I don't want to promote violence...or anything...or do I? No, I don't. But I will say this- You can't rape the willing, and it's not rape if you shout surprise! But yeah...

Stalking is the only answer here, I think; you cannot stop love as it prefers to trample all over you until you are bloodied, bleeding and dying. Stealing underwear is okay as long as you don't get greedy, It’s expensive these days boys! And girls....

Following people around is okay, maybe you'll get close enough to smell them...

So, it’s stalking or Rape...

I hope you choose stalking; Rape is not a Good thing.

Now, I prescribe Jelly and Cookies, and Stephen Fry, They make all things good.

A porn movie may be in order-


Much love,
Natalie
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[11 Oct 2005|06:49pm]

word_waterfall
First Questions here please-
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